Missives from the teacher

If you find yourself spending hours and hours of your time people watching instead of writing in your journal, fret not. People watching is actually a good excuse to use all your senses and create an increased hyper-awareness in you:

As a student, you will appreciate how stalking is eerily similar to reading narrative fiction. Through the experiences of another you discover a way to understand your life better and it causes you to change. It’s real-life characterization! Stalking will bring you closer to finding out who you are, what you are doing with your life, and let you know that you are not alone in asking questions that academia will never answer, including, “Why does the boy who works the express lane shut his blinds as soon as he gets home every night?”

Btw, don't fret that the advise is coming from the so-called "non-experts." They're really just self-deprecating.

Absolutely nobody but a grinch wants to have her holidays interrupted, particularly if the party's just starting to swing. But there you are, forced to go to school and eventually attend your suck ass CW 10 class at 8.30 in the freaking morning. What to do when you got cobwebs and can't write anything to save your life? Come up with lists of five things!

Battle writer's block with random lists that are still somehow funny and entertaining. I present you 5ives: Merlin's Lists of Five Things, which some guy in San Francisco updates every now and then.

Of particular interest would be how to get telemarketers off your back, satisfaction guaranteed:

1. I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with human sacrifice?
2. Seriously, will you still be this interested in me after we’ve dated for a while?
3. Would you be able to tell if I were defecating right now?
4. I am French. Your money means nothing to me.
5. I can smell your panties through the phone.

Also, here are five epic childhood injuries (and how he got them):

1. 7-inch cut on outside left leg (jumping ramp on a dare, 1976)

2. big bloody hole in center of head (slammed into corner of bathroom sink, 1973)
3. teeny tiny cut above left upper lip (accidental glancing fingernail for which my Mother still can’t forgive herself, 1967)
4. double hernia operation (1968)
5. 2nd degree sunburn (Adventure Island, 1980)

Remember that lists aren't always sincere and reverent. Think up of other ways to get your resolutions up and running, shun the Top 40 best movie moments. Don't be afraid to offend people. For other fun lists, there's always McSweeney's Internet Tendencies. Check out their excellent guide on how to figure out if you're in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. (I like # 5 myself.) Then you can always come up with hilarious lists of your own.